How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
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Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
My blood type is b hungry.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.